How to be stalker and not die trying

This guy is doing it wrong

In the past, being a stalker wasn't an easy task. In order to find out the whereabouts of the object, you basically had to start thinking about hiring a private detective. Today, we can just log in to Foursquare and Voilá! it is possible to obtain the exact coordenates of our obssesion. 

The problem to this is that Murphy's law will always apply, and it's not an exception to this phenomenon. The rule says: the person you are stalking will never update their social networks frequently. 

For this reason is that I came up with new and creative alternatives to squeeze out the highest amount of information about our target. It's a different world outhere and you better go explore it! The digital world, that is. 

Here's a list of the following stalking tips:


-Diversify de informaiton channels. Under the premise "If Mohammed will not go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed" it is necessary to extend the investigation to the love interest's friends, or what as I like to call "The Stalkception." This is specially useful to obtain access to the pictures where the target has not been tagged. Yes, that drunk face is not going to stop me from doing my job.


- Scan the websites or Facebook profiles of every joint open in his radius. I must warn that this resource does not provide with real time information, taking into consideration that most pictures are uploaded after an event took place. Still, it is helpful in the long run, because it enables you to obtain behaviour patterns, in order to predict when is the object going to show up to an event in the near future.


- Keep your friends close, and your informants closer. These informants are the pair of eyes you lack. The sci fi hope of teletransportation come true. It is fundamental to show our informants enough images of the persons' appearence so they can manage to distinguish they even in the dark of the night. It is preferable that such informant already has previous knowledge of the target

-Do not underestimate the power of the close friends list on Facebook. Any digital activity of our future soulmate is precious and could be an important lead to find his wanderings.




You are welcome.

About friendships and events you're dying to go to

We can all agree that having friends is nice, they are our life partners. They are always there for you when you need them (and when you don't as well). But, having friends doesn't guarantee you that when Friday night comes and you want to see your favourite band live that travelled all the way from the Polynesia just to play in your local bar and they will actually go with you.
Of course not, because when you ask them if they are willing to honour you with their company for such }event, you are more likely to hear this kind of responses:

-Umm, you know what? Actually is my great aunt's birthday. If it wasn't for that, I would totally go!

-Sorry man, the thing is, I have a quantum physics exams tomorrow that I'm just dying to study for.

-Where are they playing? That far? And we would have to take public transport in this weather? No way, man. But, have a good time yourself!


The awful truth, as hard as it is for us to believe, is that the answers are not real, they are mere excuses your real friends use to avoid actually telling you that they do not share the same musical taste. Surprising findings, right? I would have never seen it coming.

That it is why I came up with a viable solution to this frequent problem: cloning. Just that simple. It is very easy, you just clone yourself. This clone will be equally eager to attend the events you've been dying to go to. You could even share the cab fare, so the ride to the event would definitely be cheaper. You would happily sing along to the same songs and you know your clone is going to be in a good mood instead of doing it out of a sense of obligation. This way, you'll never have to go alone to a concert, movies or whatever event that your heart desires.

Nonetheless, when finally everyone can have access to cloning, the possibility arises that someone murmurs when you pass by: -What a loser!, he came to the gig with his clone.

Happiest jobs in the world

These employees are clapping, they must be happy. 

Unfortunately, sooner or later we see ourselves forced to enter the workforce. Whether it is to put food on our tables or simply to have something to do. Generally this implies having to get every day to the same office or workplace and coexist with people that, if it weren't for that obligation, there wouldn't be a chance in the universe that would make you do that. For that, and many other reasons, is why having a job can become an unpleasant experience.

However, the objective of this post is not toenumerate the disgraces of the working class as do Ignatius J. Riley, today I am going to talk about the exceptions to the rule. Yes, there is people that perform their daily tasks with a smile from ear to ear, these are the following:

The gym class instructor

She is happy no matter what, skips out of bed in the morning and finishes her day the same way. Walks through the streets listening to upbeat house music and hops around trying to dodge the lines of the tiling. Her energy reserves are never depleted. For her, there's only one season, and that is summer. Summer is always coming. Of course, I am describing a regular day of this unbelievable happy individual, but nothing compares to the explosive feeling of happiness that overcomes her every few months when it's time for the master class. Event in which she takes out the time to plan a few "surprises" for her exhausted disciples, whether it's balloons, garlands or even some sweets on reward for finishing the class (trust me, I've seen it).

Favourite phrases: "You go, girl!" "Come on!" "Spriiiiiiiint" "You're only cheating yourself" "Afgahagaghg!"

Dog walker

There is something I will never understand: How is this person that is surrounded by barking, drooling, mailman-cat-bird chasing canine can be so happy?
Generally they are seen with a permanent grin, an iPod, sunglasses and dreadlocks. They say hello to everyone and somehow the dog's leads are never tangled. They know and call every dog by name and always pick up their business. And let's not forget the small detail of their job, they make a basic salary in a week BY JUST WALKING.

Favourite phrases: "whistle whistle" (that is, the action of whistling) "Come here (insert here generic dog name), don't get away from the pack"

It's me, but translated

Having moved from small town Montevideo, Uruguay to the exciting London it has become an urge to create a blog in English. You may ask yourself why, and the answer to that is to get a creative job in London precisely. So welcome recruiter that noticed that link on my CV, and welcome advertising person that it is now staring at the screen reading my random thoughts. Welcome to you all. Feel free to express criticism or praise on the comments below.


Here's some milk and cookies so you can start to get comfortable in my personal space.

Ok, I know it is just a picture of milk and cookies and you can't actually eat them. Unless you're reading this in the future and you can print them in some high tech food printing machine, in that case I envy you. 

Anyway, getting back to the point, what you can expect from this blog is some of my random thoughts and posts from my other blog translated into English.

Enjoy!

Joey